100 clean and funny jokes

1-20: Classic One-Liners

1. Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
2. I told my computer I needed a break, and now it won’t stop sending me KitKat ads.
3. I’m reading a book on anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
4. Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.
5. I would tell you a construction joke, but I’m still working on it.
6. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
7. I asked the librarian if the library had books on paranoia… she whispered, “They’re right behind you!”
8. I used to play piano by ear, but now I use my hands.
9. Don’t trust stairs – they’re always up to something.
10. My friend’s bakery burned down last night. Now his business is toast.
11. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
12. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
13. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
14. I ate a clock yesterday. It was very time-consuming.
15. Never trust an atom – they make up everything!
16. I used to be indecisive, but now I’m not sure.
17. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta!
18. I’m terrified of elevators, so I’m taking steps to avoid them.
19. I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day!
20. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese!

21-40: School & Kids Jokes

21. Why did the student eat his homework? Because his teacher told him it was a piece of cake!
22. Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses? Because her students were so bright!
23. Why did the music teacher go to jail? Because she got caught with too many notes.
24. What’s the king of the classroom? The ruler.
25. Why did the computer go to art class? To improve its “graphic” design.
26. What do elves learn in school? The elf-abet.
27. Why did the tomato turn red? Because it saw the salad dressing!
28. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
29. What do you get when you cross a snowman with a dog? Frostbite.
30. Why was the broom late? It swept in!
31. What do you call a bear with no teeth? A gummy bear.
32. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired!
33. Why did the kid bring a ladder to school? Because he wanted to go to high school!
34. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
35. Why did the student sit on his watch? He wanted to be on time!
36. How do cows do math? With a cowculator.
37. Why did the teacher write on the window? Because she wanted the lesson to be clear.
38. What’s a ghost’s favorite subject? Spelling.
39. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
40. What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite.

41-60: Animal Jokes

41. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work!
42. What do you get if you cross a cat with a dark horse? Kitty Perry.
43. Why did the duck cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!
44. What do you call a dog magician? A labracadabrador.
45. What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A python.
46. Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.
47. What do you call a pig that knows karate? A pork chop.
48. Why don’t oysters donate to charity? Because they are shellfish.
49. What do frogs do with paper? Rip-it!
50. Why was the cat sitting on the computer? To keep an eye on the mouse.
51. What did the buffalo say when his son left for college? Bison.
52. What do you call a sheep with no legs? A cloud.
53. What do cows do on the weekend? Go to the moo-vies.
54. What kind of fish plays the guitar? A bass.
55. Why did the lion eat the tightrope walker? He wanted a well-balanced meal.
56. How do bees get to school? On the buzz!
57. What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a spider? A hare-net.
58. Why was the horse so happy? Because he lived in a stable environment.
59. What’s a cat’s favorite color? Purr-ple.
60. What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator? A friend you can count on.

61–80: Puns & Wordplay

61. I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
62. I’m on a seafood diet. I see food, and I eat it.
63. I used to be a baker, but I couldn’t make enough dough.
64. The man who survived pepper spray and mustard gas is now a seasoned veteran.
65. I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
66. The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
67. I’m friends with all electricians — we have good current connections.
68. I opened a bakery in space. The bread is a little meteor.
69. I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
70. I wrote a song about tortillas. Well, it’s more of a wrap.
71. My dad told me a joke about boxing. I guess I missed the punchline.
72. I bought a boat because it was for sail.
73. I named my dog “Five Miles” so I can say I walk Five Miles every day.
74. I'm not lazy, I’m on energy-saving mode.
75. I got hit in the head with a can of soda. Good thing it was a soft drink.
76. I used to be a watchmaker. It was a timely decision.
77. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
78. I know a lot of jokes about retired people… but none of them work.
79. I told my plants I wouldn’t talk to them anymore. They seem a little wilted now.
80. I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory — all I did was take a day off.

81–100: Random & Silly

81. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot!
82. What did one plate say to the other? Lunch is on me!
83. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
84. What do you call a sleeping bull? A bulldozer.
85. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
86. What did the big flower say to the little flower? “Hey, bud!”
87. What’s a skeleton’s least favorite room? The living room.
88. Why don’t eggs tell each other secrets? Because they might crack up.
89. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
90. What’s the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream.
91. What do clouds wear under their clothes? Thunderwear!
92. What did one wall say to the other? “I’ll meet you at the corner.”
93. Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
94. What kind of shoes do ninjas wear? Sneakers.
95. Why did the banana go to the doctor? It wasn’t peeling well.
96. What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? “Supplies!”
97. What do you call a dinosaur that crashes his car? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.
98. Why did the cookie go to the hospital? Because it felt crummy.
99. What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.
100. Why did the chicken join a band? Because it had the drumsticks.